Lady Banker Buys House and Shocks Executive
I was moving from our national office to a regional office assignment (developmental, two years) and was getting to know the executive team there, who I would be supporting. One of the executives knew me from my previous role. In speaking with him, he asked how my relocation was proceeding. Not thinking anything of it, I told him I had found something and was getting ready to take possession. He queried about the “taking possession” comment and asked, “Oh, you BOUGHT something?” (emphasis is original, and it was and continues to be a hot real estate market). I said yes, and he bellowed, “Well, that’s excellent – congratulations!” He followed that question up with another, which was, “And congratulations on that, too – I didn’t know that you got married!! That’s so great that you got married. When did you get married?” (spoiler:
I hadn’t).
I have always been attuned to inherent (and certainly explicit) bias, and I also have felt it first hand. While working on taking more agency for myself along the way, what this experience taught me is the importance of not being complicit as a bystander when this happens to others, as that is what keeps these systems of bias and discrimination viable, if not flourishing. I regularly speak up in selection committees or succession planning sessions to name biases (not in front of the candidate unless absolutely necessary), and I mentor young professionals in the importance of professional advocacy for themselves and others. To the good or not, the story has some humour (hopefully when I tell it!) and it also sticks and gets people talking which is part of our way out of this.
You know, it was funny (although mostly it wasn’t), but what sits underneath a statement and perspective like this is not. As many would say, this exec was “a good guy,” but I think that is the thing that gets in the way of him changing (or others motivating him to change). People didn’t (and maybe still don’t) see the problematic mindset he had. He was gregarious and well-liked, and, in my case, I believe he was genuine in his congratulations, and that his good wishes were from his heart. I think the impact this experience had on me was forever recognizing how deeply rooted biases are. We like to believe discriminatory beliefs and biases are only held by “bad” people or that they can be trained out quickly and from the surface, but it really does run deep and it’s often a full-on transformation (and not just learning or unlearning) that needs to take place for change.